Akkordion

The World of Night



One, two, testing, one two three
I hate the world and world hates me
I've got tats, I make gang signs
Even when I don't know what they mean
I'm a gangster, I do drugs
Obey all the laws, and I stay clean
I'm so scared I lost my lunch
Where's your truncheon, Mr Punch?

Never wear a colour cos a colour is gay
Never wear yellow when there's mustard grey
Stay on the right side of the right
Dress for the world, the world of night
Where's the flood, where's the flood?
Where's the fucking riot, where's the river of blood
Where's your truncheon, Mr Punch, hang about I've lost my lunch

Dress like a robber and the robbers won't strike
Dress in black for the world of night
Who's got a whip? You've got a whip?
I've got a whip stinging on my back
We all stare, we're all hard, we're all their security guards
Dress in fat in wobbly fat
Tickled for the top with a whoosh

You're a tool, I'm a tool, we're all tools for the fools by the pool
We all stare, we're all hard, we're all their security guards
Merge with the crowd, shout with the loud
Don't stand out, that's not allowed
Where's the flood, where's the flood?
Where's the fucking riot, where's the river of blood

Never wear a colour cos the colour is gay
Never wear yellow when there's mustard grey
Stay on the right side of the right
Dress for the world, the world of night
Where's the flood, where's the flood?
Where's the fucking riot, where's the river of blood
Where's your truncheon, Mr Punch, hang about I've lost my lunch

I'm the baboon in the Mossad shades
I'm the goon in the CIA
Let's all dress like the idiots attacking
When all we're the idiots under attack
They've got prisons and I take two lumps
Two lumps of the mud from the toxic dump
I'm the goon in the CIA
At the 11th Olympiad

Never wear a colour, cos a colour is gay
Never wear pink when there's black and grey
Stay on the right side of the right
Dress for the world, the world of night
Merge with the crowd, shout with the loud
Don't stand out, it's a sin to be proud
They've got prisons, I've got lumps
Where's your truncheon Mr Punch

What the Kite Thinks



What the kite thinks, Salty Daradara
What the kite thinks as the world flings by
As the night finks above the shaking mirror
What the kite thinks, as the night slinks by
What the kite thinks, what the kite thinks

We were climbing to the top of Mount Veneris
Climbing on the roof of the sky
But what the kite thinks, above the shaking mirror
As the world sinks, as the world sinks by
What the kite thinks, what the kite thinks

Tawny Pippit, Villikins and Dinah
And my droom came and my droom came tree
What the kite thinks
Be the mountain that you wish
And what the kite thinks
That you wish to see

What the kite thinks dressed like a woman
What the kite thinks as the horse slinks by
What the kite thinks, above the smoking mirror
We were climbing to the roof of the sky
What the kite thinks, what the kite thinks

The Poet



I was wallowing in squalor when a note came through the mail
From a light-fingered acquaintance who'd been lingering in jail
He had served a year of sentence when the fools had set him free
And he'd had a good idea he said he'd like to put to me

I said come on then, let's have it, there's a twinkle in his eye
He says let me put it this way, have you ever wondered why
The rich have so much money when, if push should come to crunch
You can only be in one room and only eat one lunch

A cogent observation, but I didn't have the time
I presumed this exposition must be leading to a crime
He said wait a precious moment I am trying to set the scene
If you liberate your mind my friend you'll soon see what I mean

He said have you ever wondered how a horse becomes a glue?
Or how my uncle's pencil reached a garden in Peru?
And have you tried valerian, the side-effects are strange
There is no such thing as accident, for everything's arranged

I said listen friend your time inside has clearly flipped your mind
These are merely hypotheticals I haven't got the time
If it's blackmailing on Snapchat or a hold-up count on me
But this claptrap that you're spouting now just sounds like poetry

Do not be so narrow-minded, my erstwhile accomplice trilled
I've had lots of time for poetry it's left me rather thrilled
I've been reading the New York School: Frank O'Hara, Kenneth Koch
And they've given me more pleasure than a thousand dirty jokes

Well he's published by Macmillan now, he got a big advance
Which he spent on buying a farmhouse in a pleasant part of France
His first book won a Pulitzer, he's up for a Nobel
They say you can't change human nature but he's doing rather well

Lardybastard



The estuary Hitler, a snollygoster
Dicaculous as Janus on a toby mug
Bleak hesternal NIMBY, avuncular of bulge
Pop-eyed as the dwindling
Spotted palmate newt
Macilent and methystine
An acolynth of King Canute
As you prepare to build the Toteninsel
Lardybastard, lardybastard fly away home
To stately seat incendiary, to spiteful heirs undone

Coprolalian stockbroking rapscallion
Diaphotick lightbulb, saprous at the pub
Fulgurating technikrym, gammonhood's own goblin king
Scoffing your eternal pint of someone else's blood
Hybristick in your solitude, tolutiloquent and talpine
A Schicklgruber lecertose from Question Time
Lardybastard, lardybastard fly away home
So Hardyesque, so Oliver Cromwellian

People are Turning to Gold



People are turning to gold
People are turning to gold

Well you won't get to heaven in any car
But you might get to heaven staying where you are
You won't get to heaven in a big gold Jeep
Out on Fire Island where the zombies creep
But you might get to heaven staying where you are
Stay with me you'll be a superstar
People who love money they make me sick
Praying to the god of arithmetic
And if money is your church
One day your god is going to leave you in the lurch

People are turning to gold
People are turning to gold

Well, because Jack Smudge has stopped evolving
Doesn't mean this world must stop revolving, oh no
We've got to fix the planet for
There's simply nowhere else for us to go, oh woah

People are turning to gold

You might get to heaven staying where you are
Stay with me you'll be a superstar

Grand Guignol



Grim song, but everything's fine
I'm always your monkey and I'm going down on beautiful
Sunshine in my private life, but people are strange alone in the night

Today has been just awful far beyond the mean
Someone scissored through an orphan's eyes
The brain surgeon turned out to be a total loser
The weather brought a horrible surprise
Someone got attacked with acid in revenge
For the human sacrifice occurring at Stonehenge
I think I'm going to change the newspaper I take
They must have printed all this by mistake

Stop the press, stop it all
Cropping our monstrosities up against the wall
This isn't how we rise, it must be how we fall
Is this what they call Grand Guignol?

Grim song, but everything's fine
I'm always your monkey and I'm going down on beautiful
Sunshine in my private life, but people are strange alone in the night

Another day of mayhem far beyond the mean
A lunatic hacked off an athlete's arms
The Kumamons escaped, creating carnage in Japan
You'd think Godzilla had done enough harm
Someone set the old museum mummies all on fire
The inferno blazed from Fleet Street to St Paul's
A future Dalai Lama got knocked over by a train
I hope someone responsible is catching this on film

Stop the press, stop it all
Cropping our monstrosities up against the wall
This isn't how we rise, it must be how we fall
Is this what they call Grand Guignol?

Self Help



Be the Me, the Me you always wanted
The Me the new philosophy has made
Cut the old outdated Me to little pieces
With the free included Stanley blade

Put Your Kids a Block Ahead of Black Kids
Learn the Lucky Habits of the Wrong
Ten Steps to Becoming Your Appalling Landlord
Stop Being Nice and Sing Your Inner Song

The People Power of Positive Delusion
Thinking Big While Growing Fat Alone
Discover the Potential of Your Great Confusion
Simple Steps to Thinking With a Bone

Stop Worrying and Start Loving Your Poisons
Don't Be What You Are, a Loser Dog
The Clinchfart of the Bully and the Staggerdance of Death
The Monk Who Crashed His Lexus into God

Be the Me, the Me you always wanted
The Me the new philosophy has made
Cut the old outdated Me to little pieces
With the free included Stanley blade

Catman Finley



Well I stand here before you in the circus court
With a most sincere appeal for your kindness and support
The consciousness of peril ever playing on my mind
Hoping against hope you will be lenient and kind
My name is Catman Finley and I have eleven toes
I like to wear, admittedly, some slightly silly clothes:
These baggy pants, this purple hair, this stupid waxy nose
The grinning crocodiles of my disintegrating shoes

Well I would be law-abiding but my enemies are mean
Growing ever bolder in their comedy routines
If I do whip my assistant until her buttocks bleed
It's not because I want to, but they force me to compete

Well as you know the circuses have fallen on hard times
People want to stay at home and swipe their telephones
And there's no-one coming out to see a girl on a trapeze
Swinging from the sky supported only by her knees

But if I should do a knife act, and it should go awry
And the knife should slip into a breast and if the girl should die
People laugh like drains, they think it's all part of the act
And laughs are hard to get, my lords, and that's a circus fact

And I would be law-abiding but the competition's mean
You've got to put some wick-wack in your comedy routines
We've reached the point where circus acts are turning into crimes
But life is hard, your lordships, and we keep up with the times

Couple Me



Couple me in the rain
From A to B and back again
Couple me, take a risk
Electric scooter, electric kiss
Experience only ever comes through the other
I want you, I want a lover

I want to come down, down to earth
I want to know what I am worth
Live my life in another's eyes
Capsize or rhapsodize

I want to come down, down to earth
I want to know what I am worth
Experience only ever comes through the other
I want you, I want a lover

Couple me, make it quick
Couple me, I told you I was sick
Couple me, enter the zone
We're alive, but not alone

I want to live my life in another's eyes
Synthesize, harmonize
Couple me, I entreat thee
I extend thee, I complete thee

It's not the time or the way to begin
But there shall be a time and a way to begin

Couple me, like a shadow or a ghost
Fuck me up, do whatever hurts the most
I'll forgive you, I have no choice
We have one body, we have one voice

Marco Polo sailing through a soul
Discovering worlds without a goal
Couple me in the park
At the zoo, in the dark

Experience only ever comes through the other

Dylanology



Well they keep on digging up the tombs to desecrate the dead
But every skull they ever find has got the same holes in its head
And everyone was laughing at the trial of Josef K
The judge was quoting Wilde but I had other things to say
And Erika's precarian, she lives by candlelight
And me I'm merely guilty but we haven't got all night

I saw an act of blindness in a lemon limousine
And I had hit the limit of my Paracelsus gleam
Well I reached across to Sheila for her Veneuzuelan snort
But she was miles away so it took longer than I thought
And up ahead a dusty moon with carbon on its face
Grinning down like Lucifer on Josef K's disgrace

The beastlier beatitudes of Balthazar the King
I've got Bella rolling on her back when the bellhop staggers in
I tried to buy his silence with some pages I had ripped
From the ancient dictionary I conveniently gripped
And I still had the prescription for the ginger drink with cloves
Ten minutes before Judy started taking off her clothes

And everybody's laughing at the trial of Josef K
The judge keeps quoting Wilde but I've got better things to say
So I jumped out of the witness box and ran down to the phone
But I can't get through to Judy cos she doesn't have a home

Well the prosecutor came along and asked me for a light
He said say that K is guilty cos we haven't got all night
But K is a precarian with nothing else to give
And you cannot give him life because he has no life to live
And even Jesus sold his father's house to pay his lawyer's fees
Why anyone believes in him is a mystery to me

Well back in my compartment of the starfuckers express
I was laying low trying to squeeze toothpaste off my dress
I crashed my winnebago so I now I take the train
I stare out of the window and I take God's name in vain
The world has got so ugly even seed has run to seed
But in 1967 it was very good indeed

And everybody's laughing at the trial of Josef K
The judge keeps quoting Wilde but I've got better things to say
So I jumped out of the witness box and ran down to the phone
But I can't get through to Judy cos she doesn't have a home

Facial Recognition



Well I holiday in far Cathay for a wee bit o' diddle I doh
Some gribbling here, some grobbling there cannae hurt if the state don't know
Ah scritch ma bossocks oot on the street and I thump in a tuckerbag
Woggle ma grussets and I gander chits, and sploon in a fumblerag
But facial recognition has today got sae advanced
That they speak ma name and they ken ma game in the legislative branch

Well damn yer social credit scheme, and damn yer cameras too
Now I cannae micklemuckle nor joggle ma crane or the government may know
And if the government knows I scrope ma moes ma credit score is screwed
And I won't be suffered to take nae trains nor eat nae Chinese food
I'll be banned frae the banks, the interwebs and the dating agencies
And Ah'll huf te bide alane in ma room a-grolloping ma screes

Well I holiday in far Cathay but next year I'm off tae Spain
If you scrutch your muckles or yer goolies there the affair is yours alane
You can swing your bossocks oot on the street, gie your bunt a grobberling
But I hear they're slinging up cameras soon to catch up with Beijing
Ah facial recognition is sae widely installed
That you cannae woggle grussets anywhere noo across this foggy world

I'd scritch ma bossocks oot on the street and thump in a tuckerbag
Woggle ma grussets, gander chits and sploon in a fumblerag
But facial recognition is sae widely unfurled
That ye cannae do anything noo anywhere in the world

Inside



Out on the square the world won't stop
The homeless lady plays Egyptian pop
Down in the market they sell books and spices
At cheap prices
And now there's a breeze

At Guerrisol we found a pretty blouse
You tried it on back at the house
It suits your colour, it's fine for size
Brings out your eyes
And now we're inside

The blinds are lowered, the sheets are red
Our bodes caramel across the bed
Out on the square the world won't stop
It's on the hop
But we're inside

I think there might be a thunderstorm coming
The stalls are closing, the tourists running
Some guy is shouting, alsatians barking
Trash trucks parking
But we're inside

The shades are lowered, the sheets are red
And how we sweat as we push the bed
Out on the square the sweet din won't stop
Sirens, cops
But we're inside

This is the place that I love the best
My surge of pleasure, my palace of rest
Your sex is salty on the tip of my tongue
And now the rain comes with a gentle thrum
But we're inside

So be my lover and be my wife
For all that's left of my perfect life
Don't want to be anywhere else
Til my last breath
But inside

The Thief



Hoodlums, scoundrels, guttersnipes and crooks
Come hear the truth they never print in books
Everyone loves a robbery, planned or unplanned
Larceny and luxury go hand in hand
So go steal something bloody great today
Write it in your journal, Jean-Paul Sartre needs a play

Steal a little once, steal a little better every day
You'll need at least seventeen identities and names
Always stay vigilant and awake
Because you risk arrest if you make one dumb mistake
Only when thinking is the single thing without which one would sink
Has a person ever really earned the right to think

Say you're going to steal a great big fish today
Sit by the river and wait til the anglers look away
Why grub for money in a system built for wealth?
Grab that money and have it for yourself
But don't be a thief unless it gives you a sexual thrill
Being a thief's a calling, it's vocational

We're in an orgy of haggling and treason in the fog
Don't just stand there daydreaming, filthy on the dock
See the dunderhead opium-smuggler fall
When he fails to shave his beard off in the cheap Belgian hotel

Steal a little once, steal a little better every day
With seventeen identities and names
At every single moment stay vigilant and awake
They'll get you if you make one mistake
Only when thinking is the single thing without which one would sink
Has a person ever really earned the right to think

Loneliness



Thus spake Zarathustra, for someone had to speak
The silence was so icy on that lofty fucking peak
Exchanging stately glances we knew without a word
That we were far above the world, the common fucking herd

For all the things that we believed
Nothing's ever been achieved
But loneliness, fucking loneliness

All this work since we began
We outstripped the everyman
For loneliness, fucking loneliness

We rolled our eyes and with our sighs
Agreed that we were lost
The oxygen was thinning and our lungs filled up with frost
Our strengths had been our weakness
Our knowledge just a fog
Who needs information when they've got a fucking god?

All the things that we believed
Nothing's really been achieved
But loneliness, fucking loneliness

All this work since we began
We became the supermen
For loneliness, fucking loneliness

So Zarathustra vanished and I was left alone
I switched on Al Jazeera, we were at war with Iran
I set aside my iPad without one fucking word
For I was in my happy place above the fucking herd

All the things that we believed
Nothing's really been achieved
But loneliness, fucking loneliness

All this work since we began
We became the supermen
For loneliness, fucking loneliness

For all the things that we believed
Nothing's ever been achieved
But loneliness, fucking loneliness

All this work since we began
We outstripped the everyman
For loneliness, fucking loneliness

Endarkenment



Dolls containing other dolls to infinity
Clowns inside of other clowns come tumbling down on me
Once upon a time when virtue always got its way
Lonely was the name of Dr Dastardly
Now if you want proof
That we're really not much cop
Guess who's sent the bastards to the top

And now that our enlightenment is slipping away
Endarkenment gets darker every day

Great fools lead the little fools into bankruptcy
Hallowed be the name of Dr Dastardly
Once there was a time when virtue always got its way
Now you worship avarice and villainy
Dr Dastardly, assisted by his filthy crew
Has set the clowns above you
I guess they really love you

And now that our enlightenment has withered away
Endarkenment gets darker every day

Index