Thought For The Day
The One Millionth Customer
I was hungry, so I headed into a restaurant for a burger. To my amazement, a welcoming committee was waiting. Bright lights went on and a band struck up. The manager came up to me and said 'Hey! Congratulations! You are our one millionth customer. We're going to present you with a special commemorative plaque, then we're going to fly you to Hawaii for an all-expenses paid two week holiday!' 'But,' I protested, 'all I want is something to eat. Do I really have to go through with all this?' Video cameras drew closer. 'Don't you understand, this is really important for us,' the manager explained. 'We've been waiting years for you. The celebrations have cost us a fortune. We can't just pass this on to the next in line. The one millionth customer is you. It always will be you. Don't fight it. Five minutes ago, you were just another hungry human being. But the moment you walked in that door, you became the one millionth customer. Your life has changed forever.'

Person Of The Month
Liane Balaban
A conceptual artist, Liane Balaban has created her latest masterpiece. It's called 'A Table'. She explains: 'A Table features a seemingly hip, steely-grey, metallic utilitarian-type dinner setting, but upon closer inspection the perversions reveal themselves. All the dinner ware and utensils are subtly genitalia-inspired. Phallus tipped chopsticks, anus-esque salt and pepper shakers, vagina-like napkin holders. It's very avant-garde.'

Actually, Liane just made that up. The reality is a lot more glamourous. Aged 18, she has just played the lead in a film directed by Allan Moyle (best-known for 'Pump Up The Volume'). This new film, shot on Cape Breton, will be premiered at the 1999 Toronto Film Festival. Liane is sure to become the 21st century's answer to Audrey Hepburn and Winona Ryder. I'm a bit reluctant to share her with you, actually, but here she is. Because, as Devoto once put it, 'I desire you for ever... and everyone'.

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