Birocracy
Can you play electric organ
Can you play the lie of the land
Can you paint a better tartan
Sudden apples strewed on the dawn
Butcher birds and Jackie Hangmans
Double digit fugitive
Intra-Schengen cars and blam blams
A bigger scope, the lie of the land
Manifestly social sculpture lines
For all those well-trained men of the world
Never let me down you vultures then
Pick my bones clean, pick them all clean
I would play my big bassoon
(Big bassoon, like the bard's)
I would harvest marble hours
(On the moon, to glitter the culture)
I would make some animal
(But not too soon, you just wait and see)
I would dig no frightening hole
(To stop, to stop, to stop it on me)
Finger pulse and all the parlay
Sinking faster than half of the nine
I have been to Harlem Dover
I have seen the end of the line
Brick it up, the perfect England
Black it in your coronet hearts
I would play my big bassoon
(Big bassoon, like the bard's)
I would harvest marble hours
(On the moon, to glitter the culture)
Widow Twanky
So you're sweeping
Out of my world
Widow Twanky
You were my girl
Now you're flouncing out of my life
Not a back look
Hey
Not a bad way
To say goodbye
When you prick me
Do I not bleed?
When you stick me
Do you succeed?
There were times
Pantomime dame
I could've taken you down
Times I slapped you down and fucked around
And called you stupid cow
I'm paying the price for it now
You're inside me
I'm inside you
You're inside me now
What can I do?
On a road made of stone
I am walking alone as you
In the blaze of the day
I'm a pantomime dame
You're inside me
Widow Twanky
What can I do?
Mr Proctor
Sticky piggy wam wam
Fluffy on a cig jam
Bringing in the bam bam
Golly, golly
Gilly on the wheelback
Silky on the steep jack
Working on the mailbag
Billy, Billy
Trilly on the flap flap
Billy on the gimcrack
Cracker on the black jack
Sorry, sorry
Clicky on a Les Paul
Blingy on a longhaul
Barry on backflip
I love you and I miss you and I wish that you were here
I don't know where you are and now I possibly don't care
But Geraldine the Bombadier has come to make his stand
Ickle Brummie asks if he can grasp his mummy's hand
Titchy click a click track
Six gone a long track
Stitching up a rich hack
Prolly, prolly
Sunny on a Sunday
Bunny on a Monday
Fanny on a Sunday
Rainy, rainy
Trading on a label
Fucking on a table
Punky like a tribble
Trick, trick trip away
Trick, trick trip away
In the planetarium I don't know how to drive
Don't know how to love you but I'm glad to be alive
Ought to know you've something else I really do admire
I wonder who can tell you that I've set your hair on fire
Thatness and Thereness
Slow-motion repeat of breaking glass
Fear creeping up from behind
A slide into corruption
A train of thought stops all along the way
From start to goal
Easy to understand
Thatness, thereness
A grid of time in view
Deep blue metal
Undulating rise and fall
We're hiding ourselves
Don't want to see ourselves
But still desire persists for self-injury
Through exposure to reality
Thatness, thereness
A deep blue rush in time
Slow-motion repeat of breaking glass
Fear creeping up from behind
A slide into corruption
A train of thought stops all along the way
From start to goal
Easy to understand
Thatness, thereness
A grid of time in view
Jahwise Hammer of the Babylon King
Oh by Jove
Glistering gold and blistering sores
Catch him in the morning when the lepers rise
Catch him in the leggings with the clickety strides
Catch it in the basement if you've got the nerve
Squealing like a hot pink monkey bird
Frisk you in the dark where the children ran
Fist you in the park where you push the pram
Lock you in the bedroom where you jiggle the man
The Jahwise hammer of the Babylon king
Slithery Tove
Walked like a leper or a lion man
Catch him in the morning when the lepers rise
Catch him in the leggings with the lickety strides
Catch it in the basement if you've got the nerve
Squealing like a hot pink monkey bird
Love me in the morning when the vampires rise
Love me in the evening like a slaughtered bride
Spattered with the lizzy like a blackabore knife
The Jahwise hammer of the Babylon king
Horsemouth Leggo Beast
The Jah Wise hammer of the Babylon king
Meet you in the jungle where the sneakers melt
Meet you in the wonder of the thunderbird belt
Meet you in the desert when it's wet with rain
Meet you down the skeleton's gobbling drain
Stomping up a party in Vesuvius ash
Pumping up the junk with biological trash
Screening for the baby with the baby face
The Jah Wise Hammer of the Babylon King
The Next Time
They say I'll love again someday
A truer love will come my way
The next time
But after you there'll be never be a next time for me
They say that I'll find happiness
In someone else's warm caress the next time
I'll soon forget your kiss
And heartaches such as this
Will will just be ancient history
They say that I'm a fool to weep
That I won't go on losing sleep
The next time
And someone else will mend the heart you've broken in two
But how can I fall in love the next time
When I'm still so very much in love with you?
They say that I'm a fool to weep
That I won't go on losing sleep
The next time
That someone else will mend the heart you've broken in two
But how can I fall in love the next time
When I'm still so very much in love with you?
When I'm still so very much in love with you
The Cooper O' Fife
Ye married a monk, ye married a moose
Ye married a carey-on roond the hoose
A roon the hoose a roon the hoose
Let's all a carey on roon the hoose
Ye married a boy who'd never been kissed
Married a god who didn't exist
Ye married a wally, ye married a ghost
Ye married a strangler, deaf as a post
So jig the jig and waltz the waltz
Polka polka through the halls
Festoon yer room wi sprigs of gorse
Let's get married and let's divorce
Married a stripper, ye married a tease
Ye married a circus and all the fleas
Ye married the hunchback doon on his knees
Ye married johnny heed in the breeze
Ye married a fox, ye married a minx
Ye married a smarmy skinny malink
Ye married the man with the handicap
That put St Andrews on the map
Ye married the scheemie, ye married the radge
Ye married the boy with a Pastels badge
Ye married a moron name o' Gordon
Then ye married a traffic warden
Ye married the man ye love to hate
Ye hated him, weil, from the first date
Married a murderer on the Monday
You'll be oot or dead by sunday
Ye married the playa, ye married the game
Ye married the whole of the fitba team
Ye married the drunk with the Special Brew
Married the captain and all his crew
Ye married a cower and timorous beastie
Married a cunt all sloppy and yeasty
Married a bent copper and then
Married them all over again
Ye married the baker, the butcher, the creep
Ye married the shepherd and all of his sheep
Ye married the corporal and his wife
Ye married the cooper, the cooper o' Fife
Ye've made a mistake, it's plain as a rose
Plain as the brain at the end of yer nose
Plain as the sneeze, the sneeze on yer face
To marry them all was a big mistake
Ye married too young, ye married a ginger
Married a minger and whipped a whinger
Married a moose whose heed was thrawn
Annulled the marriage on saturday morn
Ye married a monk, ye married a moose
Married a carey-on roond the hoose
A roon the hoose, a roon the hoose
Let's all a carey on roon the hoose
Ye married a glaikit football stag
Ye married a man with a wank mag
Ye married a tool, ye married a knife
Ye married the man who beat his wife
So jig the jig and waltz the waltz
Polka polka through the halls
Festoon yer room wi sprigs of gorse
Let's get married and let's divorce
Ye married a creep, ye married a ghoul
Ye married a neep o' the Glesga school
Ye married a less-than-a-tinker's cuss
Divorce is the thing, the thing for us
So clear yer tears and don't ye greet
West is heed and East is feet
And never the twain shall marry or meet
So never ye tarry and never ye greet
Ye married the cat, ye married the dog
Married them both in the eyes of god
Sixteen men who died of flu
Then you married the undertaker too
Ichabod Crane
This prissy, skinny lanky-liver calculating fool
Has come to Sleepy Hollow to teach at the school
He's a greedy snobby creep with a long snipe nose
And he loves to trick and pick on me, big Brom Bones
Now Ichabod is clever but we have verified
That any tale with ghosts in it can make him terrified
Particularly the story of a soldier, long dead
Who rides through Sleepy Hollow without a head
Ichabod Crane!
Ichabod Crane!
Pumpkin brain!
Well Katrina is the daughter of Baltus Van Tassel
A fruity little beauty at the harvest festival
And Ichabod the trickster wants to love her for her money
But she wants me -- so that's not funny
Well the storm it is a rising and the branches lash around
And Ichabod is riding past the hollow burial ground
When suddenly he catches sight, behind him in the road
Of a horseback stranger who doesn't have a head
Ichabod Crane!
Ichabod Crane!
Pumpkin brain!
Ichabod is screaming and a whipping at his horse
Trying to cross the bridge he knows the ghost can't cross
But the horseman throws his head at him, Ichabod is down
And all they find by morning is a pumpkin on the ground
Ichabod Crane!
Ichabod Crane!
Pumpkin brain!
Strewf!
Strewf!
What is it to ya
If it's better all the time?
And strewf
And wouldn't it kill ya
If you smiled from time to time?
God's truth!
It's ruddy peculiar
Ow yer fink that mog's a crime!
Gor Yoof!
They wasted it on ya
It's a bliimmy waste of mind
Ya, poof!
I wouldn't be flegged to see you drubbling down the tribby line!
Aw poof!
I wouldn't be begged to see you scrubbing down from time to time
Strewf!
Who'd put it past a plastic person
Tugging on the larmey jacket?
Strewf!
Spilled all yer elly kippens darlin
Porrocked 'em over yer ciggy packet
Strewf!
Gor strewf!
Bless!
Yer in for an orrocking barney
Golluming up like Puss-in-the-Mud
Gor bless!
A gizzard-faced kippery cop
A scatterin scump'ry billery cod
Bless!
Look out for the krovvy huts
That fritter the wakes of the trives away
Gore bless!
Look out of the Pearly Pranner
Who walks the Harringay
Strewf!
Devil take the hinderstocking
The bottom balloonery brack in the man
Gor strewf!
Away with the lot of the yer
And never come totterham back
Who'd put it past a plastic person
Tugging on the larmey jacket
Spilled all yer elly kippens darlin
Porrocked 'em over yer ciggy packet
Dracula
Kyoka: Dracula you are my lovely murderer, wherever you go I will follow you
Dracula: Do not follow me, Kyoka, if you know what's good for you
Kyoka: Dracula I want to feel your spooky crooked yellow teeth biting into me
Dracula: My spooky crooked yellow teeth are blunted now, Kyoka, they will not set you free
Kyoka: Dracula, I'm lying naked on your altar, please stab your dagger into me
Dracula: If I do, Kyoka, then villagers with torches will hound me out of town
Kyoka: Dracula, I am the kind of girl who does not take rejection lying down
Kyoka: Dracula, I have a cousin in Kyoto, older and much skinnier than me
Maybe she's your type, and if you'd like to bite her neck, I'll write a letter and see if she'd agree
Dracula: That's very kind, Kyoka, but the time for biting necks is over now for me
I'd rather lie here in my coffin, drinking coffee, doing nothing, or watching TV
Kyoka: But Dracula what happens to ambitious girls, as frail and pale as flowers
Who dream of nothing more than offering naked necks to vampires, and being sucked for hours?
Dracula: Other vampires walk the earth, Kyoka
Not through Transylvania, not where you expect
(Dracula the vampire, pah-pah-pah)
Goodiepal
Who killed the eskimos who understood the rules of happiness?
One step up the hedonic treadmill
One slip back on the ugly snakeskin
Who raped the great banana growing on the tree of happiness?
One point for the dark Satanic mills
One up on the noble savage
Everything we need is here
Stop trying to succeed
One point for the dark Satanic
Mills, one down for the noble savage
Who owns the pop machine
The polyester seed?
Who owns the pepper mills that
Spice up the prickly cabbage?
Down by the willow tree I joined you where you fell
You said, staring at the sky, I never knew it was that high
Don't know you very well, you're just another girl
Never mind, you stupid cow , I wish you hadn't said that now
Down by the willow tree
There's nothing that could make us happier
One step up the hedonic treadmill
One slip back on the ugly snakeskin
Stop trying to succeed
Stop running round your human hamster wheel
One point for the dark Satanic mills
One up on the noble savage
Who drank the pussy milk, who bunged the chalk in the frigid buttercup?
One step up the hedonic treadmill
One slip back on the ugly snakeskin
And just exactly how long do we have to wait for the trees
To chop the Nazi axes up?
And help the frigid buttercup
Weep me and I'll weep you back
The willow seemed to say
Swing with the Goodiepal
Race Pat Pat off the rocks
Down by the willow tree I joined you where you fell
You said, staring at the sky, I never knew it was that high
Don't know you very well, you're just another girl
Never mind, you stupid cow , I wish you hadn't said that now
Fade to White
In the slaughterhouse the Braw
Puts down his bloody horror saw
The lightning strikes the airliner
Which crashes to the ground
Death's a sneak thief in the night
And life is cheap is space is tight
All the broken Daddy Longlegs
Scattered on the ground
In the slaughterhouse the Braw
Puts down his bloody horror saw
In the end we fade to white
La la la la la
Phoebus the Phoenician sails
His longboat leaves a bloody trail
Behind it flies a nightingale
La la la la la la
The Mouth Organ
She took the stand
Her time had come
To describe the screech of tyres
The sudden hit and run
She pulled out from her purse
The mouth organ
Began describing all she'd seen
In an eerie, haunting tune
The cloudy afternoon
The unexpected turn
Resulting in the death of the pedestrian
How the accident was caused
How the current war
And all that happens in this world
Has been written in the stars
From the day they invented the car
She finished up a little out of breath
The judge stood up and threw out all her arguments
He had a good mind, so he said
To sentence her to death
But she'd suffered quite enough
Said the counsel for defence
She stepped out of the court
Happy to be freed
Failed to see the laundry van
Bearing down at speed
All that happens in this world
Has been written in the stars
From the day they invented the car
The Man You'll Never Be
I don't care where you've been
I don't care what you've seen
Underneath the mountains
On the scrotum of the sea
I don't give a shit who you are
How you crashed your favourite car
All I see before me
Is the man you'll never be
And though I love no other
And no other's brother
And sometimes the technician
In the art school lavatory
Know I never betrayed you
Though -- technically -- they slayed you
None of them were half the men
That you will never be
You look strange in the moonlight
I wonder if I've done the right thing
To invite you to share your bed with me
With the hole in your jacket
The shoe in your pocket
One eye dangling from the socket
Of the man you'll never be
Well you have much to commend you
But who would befriend you
With the alcoholic swagger
No-one's ever pleased to see
You've got the eyes of a spider
The handshake of a miser
I guess at least you're pleased you're not
The man you'll never be
And though many refuse you
Hide from you and try to lose you
Some run you over
Quite deliberately
I will not shirk my duty
For I love you truly
Not for who you are
But for the man you'll never be
You've got the lips of a chicken
The tics of a victim
The eyes of a liar
And the belly of a whale
I don't care what stupid things you've done
How you stared into the sun
When all I see, increasingly
Is the man you'll never be
And though I loved no other
And no other's brother
And the jackass in the record shop
Who burns the fake CDs
Know I never despised you
But someone's undermined you
It's plain to see you're half the man
That you will never be
The Vaudevillian
You take the stage, you're at your best
They've hushed the stalls at your behest
You start your act, you sing your songs
The house is packed , they sing along
You seem, they say, so very gay
The vaudevillian, one in a million
The girls you've loved, the times you've known
The wars you lost, that old trombone
And now the lines that crease your face
Are wet with tears and hot with grease
You know your lines, but God knows what they are
The vaudevillian, one in a million
You're out of date, they've changed the styles
They love to hate, they hate to smile
They start to stamp, they start to boo
You're some old man, they don't know who
You've lost your shape, you've lost your "you"
The vaudevillian, one in a million
A coffin now appears, it's very strange
They've put it here up on the stage
They push you in, the trim is plush
It's very grim, away you're rushed
And some lament while others disinfect
The vaudevillian
And now you take a little nap
And when you wake the stars are black
And God is dead and there's this smell
And you're not feeling very well
It seems you're dead, oh bloody hell!
The vaudevillian, one in a million