Lucky Like St Sebastian

Once upon a time there was a man called Saul
Who persecuted Christians until he saw
The work was bearing fruit for the Christians
So the man changed his opinions and his Christian name to Paul

And he wrote important chapters in the Bible
But the blood on his writing hand reeked to high heaven
And Paul resolved to die

So he wrote to friends in Rome
A senator who owed him a favour
Asking for an executioner
So Paul could make his exit as a martyr
The senator sent this answer:

Should you be so lucky like St Sebastian
Preferring the ache to the aspirin
Swooning as they shoot the arrows
Through your narrow chest
Stripping naked in the Circus Maximus
With a martyr-eating lioness
Bartering with flesh for a little pain
Scenes like this give sadomasochism a bad name

Once there was a man who loved a woman too much
To give up hope when he saw she wouldn't touch him with a barge pole
He spent his whole life in the Inferno
He composed in thirty-four cantos
O Dante though I'm anti such romantic speculation
I'm your hypocrite reader in the same situation
I'm your double, me I'm your brother in pain

But Alighieri if you'll listen there's a difference
Between your Beatrice and my Paula
She's anonymous and now a waitress
- It's comic but not divine
The tragedy is no-one 's dying!

Should I be so lucky like St Sebastian
Going out with a bang, just hear me
Whimpering with joy as Mr Death receives his blue-eyed boy Surrender unto Caesar or to God, it makes no odds
There's just one thing the martyr wants to say:
`Tell me, Mrs Lincoln, did you enjoy the play?'

The Lesson of Sodom (According to Lot)

For seventeen days we've lived in this cave
Overlooking the plain with the ruined remains of Gomorra
When the brimstone was sent we were exempt
But the daughters of Salt are tempting

The lesson of Sodom according to God:
You spoil the child if you spare the rod
But we had a problem, me and my girls
I was the only man in the world
The lesson of Sodom according to Lot:
If a bottle of wine is all you've got
Between the salt in your wounds and Lot, girls
The lesson of Sodom is:
`I forgot'

Is it my drunkenness or my first-born's kiss
That makes my second-born's hips sway like there is no tomorrow?
Well drink is a curse and lust is the worst
But the daughters of Salt are thirsting!

The lesson of Sodom according to God:
You spoil the child if you spare the rod
But we had a problem, me and my girls
I was the only man in the world
The lesson of Sodom according to Lot:
If a bottle of wine is all you've got
Between the salt in your wounds and Lot, girls
The lesson of Sodom is:
`I forgot'

With these alibis; a pair of closed eyes and a bottle of wine
There's no need to die for your pleasure
I'm getting the best of both worlds in incest
The daughters of Salt - they insist!

The lesson of Sodom according to God:
You spoil the child if you spare the rod
But we had a problem, me and my girls
I was the only man in the world
To put my girls in the way of the world
The lesson of Sodom according to Lot:
If a bottle of wine is all you've got
Between the salt in your wounds and Lot, girls
The lesson of Sodom is:
`I forgot'

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink?
No!
A bird in the hand is worth two in the -
No!
The lesson of Sodom is .. .
The lesson of Sodom according to Lot
The lesson of Sodom is . . .
I forgot!

John The Baptist Jones

I was ahead
I was a seer
I left for Babylon
You and Herodias stayed in the wilderness
I was the one
With the halo on
But it was all to no avail
To know a veil of tears

When I was John the Baptist
When I was John the Baptist
When I was John the Baptist Jones

Ahead on points, ahead of my time
I was neck and neck with the Kings of Crime
I worked the rivers and owned my own home
I was head and shoulders over flesh and bone
But when you did the dance of the seven veils
Salome, Salome, there was only the crockery below me

I was ahead
My success, like shampoo, washed you clean out of my mind
How could I know
The lengths you would go
When you're ahead of Jesus Christ you don't look behind

When I was John the Baptist
When I was John the Baptist
When I was John the Baptist Jones

Ahead of schedule, ahead of the hoard
I had the Moral Majority drunk as a Lord
I ducked adulterers and did it alone
I was head and shoulders over flesh and bone
But when you did the dance of the seven veils
Salome, Salome, there was only the crockery below me
Believe me,  reprieve me, can you forgive me?
My sweet Salome, put yourself below me
For just one night, dear
Heavens above Salome, put yourself below me
. . . For just one night

King Solomon's Song and Mine

Solomon took a census, and we were just passing through
But his press gang arrested us and led us to the quarry two by two
And now, King Solomon, I'm working for a song in your mine

Solomon wants a palace and a temple for his god Yahweh
But you and me sweet Alison we get sweet FA
And now, King Solomon, we're working for a song in your mine

You trade our daylight for Turkish Delight
You trade our fear for euphoria
But we trade the real for your underground rail
And your foreman's rules
O my love, let's start a trade union for fools

The Queen of Sheba visited, brought spices and guitars
There never were spices or guitars like that
At least never for the likes of us
Solomon took some frankincense, the Queen took some cocaine
Then the lighting changed and they sang strange words
And the band already knew the chords
And now, King Solomon, I'm working for your song and mine

You trade our daylight for Turkish Delight...

One thing's sure and nothing's surer
The rich get richer and the poor get...

Now we're living happily, Alison and I
We can't stop singing Solomon's song, we were singing it on the night
We conceived our healthy children, who thanks to the union line
Are at school with the sons of the foreman
With a future down the mine
And soon, King Solomon, they'll be working for your song and mine

You trade our daylight for Turkish Delight
You trade our fear for euphoria
But we trade our lives for the song you taught us to sing
How does it go? 'The trade union and God save the King!'

Little Lord Obedience

Faceless when he docks, faceless when he's lost at sea
The ocean is green, admission is free
Only here, here at the source
There are fingernails and hair to spare
But when the order comes to go and the sirens blow
And the hair goes grey
He obeys, he obeys

Away in a manger, no crib for a bed
Little Lord Obedience
Lays down his sweet, entirely sexless head
Christ found the source of the Bible
And Livingstone the source of the Nile
But the sailor and his amazon
Find the source of the child
In the dock of the baby
The resort where strangers liase
The port in every girl where the sailor obeys

Naked when he docks, naked when he's lost at sea
There he loses his stripes, there he loses his body
Only here, here at the source
The fashionable dress is flesh
But when the order comes to go and the sirens blow
And the flesh decays
He obeys, he obeys

No-one when he docks, no-one when he's lost at sea
The waves dissolve his frown, they solve his puzzled face away
Only here, here at the source
No-one comes without leaving someone else
But when the order sounds to go and the sirens blow
And they lower the gangway
We obey, we obey

Away in a manger, no crib for a bed
Little Lord Obedience
Lays down our sweet, entirely sexless heads
Christ found the source of the Bible
And Livingstone the source of the Bible
But the sailor and his amazon
Find the source of the child
In the dock of the baby
The resort where strangers liase
The port in every girl where the sailor obeys

The Day The Circus Came To Town

The day the circus came to town
We lined the streets from Leith
To beyond belief
The day the circus came to town
The wind was light to moderate
And there was fog on higher ground

And everybody clapped or did not clap
When an orchestra swept past in drag
The day the circus came to town

The day the circus came to town
The department stores were crammed
Like hell with the Damned
The day the circus came to town
There were ten years in a decade
A hundred pennies in a pound

And everybody laughed or did not laugh
When a couple of mongrels coupled on the path
The day the circus came to town

I couldn't tell the two apart
But there's only room for one in my heart
Because being of one mind is a capital crime
I will pack and unpack at the drop of a hat
And join or leave that circus
At any given point in time

The day the circus came to town
It was overtime for the boys in blue
But they were dancing too But they were dancing too
The circus came to town
The fork was on the left and the knife was on the right
And the diner sat down

And everybody cheered or did not cheer
When a boy took off his hat and his hair appeared
The day the circus came to town

The day the circus came to town
God was in his heaven like a goldfish in a bowl
To the visible dismay of air traffic control
The day the circus came to town
Last night's party met the day's first hearse
And, spilling vodka on the wake made a fatal mistake
With a match and flabbergasted watched them all
Fall flambeed six feet underground

And everybody booed or did not boo
When the ghost of Deacon Brodie sawed a corpse in two
The day the circus came to town

I still can't tell the two apart
But there's only room for one in my heart
Because being of one mind is a capital crime
I will pack and unpack at the drop of a hat
And join or leave that circus
At any given point in time

The Rape of Lucretia

(TARQUINIUS) - O Dr Faust I've got a pain
Where I sit on the throne
Where an Englishman's home is his castle

(FAUST) - Mr Tarquinius of Romford
You've got blue blood on the brain
But I know a Roman sanatorium
Where they'll cure you with a story
From 2500 years ago:

The Rape of Lucretia

(TARQUINIUS)  O Dr Faust
Abroad I shall not go
The past, so they say, is a foreign country
And abroad equally so

(FAUST) - Mr Tarquinius of Romford
Since you stubbornly insist
I'll administer the history of democracy
Beginning when a woman was done by the son of the king:

The Rape of Lucretia

Romulus and Remus
Orphans of the forest
Grow to their majority
Throw up their hands in horror
The democratic gesture
When Sextus puts his Sextus where no king should he
Singing `We who are about to die salute thee!'
The Rape of Lucretia

(TARQUINIUS) - O Dr Faust
I should've guessed
That a doctor named after the self-confessed lover
Of Mephistopheles would say `Take two of these after meals
And mean leeches - for all your fine speeches
Your anthem is `Where the beast sucks there suck I'

(FAUST) - Mr Tarquinius of Romford
You may set your mind at rest
My soul's not with the devil but the NHS
And although I am loathe to
I've taken an oath to
Cure people like you who think SPQR stands for
`Sense Prevents the Queen's Removal'
The Rape of Lucretia

Romulus and Remus
May your example lead us
Your brotherhood and merit be our guiding force
You ushered in democracy, you understood that monarchy
Stands by incest, falls by sexual intercourse
We who are about to die salute thee!
The Rape of Lucretia

Paper Wraps Rock

You can never overestimate Garbo
You can never undress Monro
They may have never heard of Plato
But there's one thing they did know

If you want to be desired for a thousand years
Keeping it platonic is a good idea
'Cut it out Socrates, can't we just talk'
Scissors cut paper, but paper wraps rock

Never underestimate Mary
The original virginal bride
Interpretations may vary but I say
God was her piece on the side

Prudence is the proper doxy's friend
The paradox is heaven sent
The wickedest words are in the Good Book
Scissors cut paper, but paper wraps rock

Never underestimate the face of Helen of Troy
The face of a woman who never agrees to please
She's Paris in a drag of plaster and papyrus
That's why they never undress, they never undress
They never undress in this non-stop striptease

Never underestimate the huntress
The protected species of whore
The chariot of Diana Regina's an enormous
Limousine with bulletproof doors

It's rule number one for the wise coquette
Stick a long filter on your cigarette
Shimmer through a window that's twice locked
Scissors cut paper, but paper wraps rock

Never underestimate 'Never'
And you'll live to love another day
A woman never made a living
By giving anything away

If you want to be more major than a majorette
Stay as rigid and as frigid as a statuette
Stay out of the kitchens and the sweatshops
Scissors cut paper, but paper wraps rock

Undress your best behaviour Helen of Troy
Every Green Bus Drives Fast and so does time
Brush off the plaster of Paris
Every Good Boy, Every Good Boy,
Every Good Boy Deserves Favour, where's mine?

She will forget you in all except your name
In all except the face you wore
And the empty words you were good at saying
Or else all except the pretentious knots
That covered the paper
That wrapped up rock

Rules of the Game of Quoits

The girl in the rubber shoes has run away from home
To the gymnasium
The sun in the blinds is blue
And the girl moves through the room
Like an aquarium


Rules of the game of quoits
Use the dimmest light or the brightest light
When the hoops start melting and the sticks catch fire
Rules of the game of quoits
Use the softest matting or the hardest floor
When the hoops start melting and the sticks catch fire
Tunics may be worn or torn away
And the rules of the game may be ignored

The boy with the ruddy face has left his place of work
For the gymnasium
He enters like a tent where the girl has left her scent
Like a geranium

Rules of the game of quoits
Bend your knees and swing through ninety degrees
When the hoops start melting and the sticks catch fire
Rules of the game of quoits
If your posture's right you can thrust the quoit
When the hoops start melting and the sticks catch fire
Tunics may be worn or torn away
And the rules of the game may be ignored

The girl in the rubber shoes pins the ruddy-faced boy to the floor
Of the gymnasium
She's crawling on the spot, she's the ink-rubber, he's the blot
And she erases him

'For love will endure or not endure
Regardless of where we are'



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